The Feels of January 1

We didn't do much on New Year's Eve.  We really haven't in probably the last 3-4 years.  And that's how I like it, honestly.  We stay home, we play board games, we eat, sometimes we'll watch something.  And that's how it was last night.  

It could be beginning this blog yesterday.  It could be the whole year coming to a close.  It could be that it's the emotional time of the month for me.  It could be a perfect storm of all of those things, but I just found myself tearing up and choking up a few different times yesterday.

Writing in here, seeing this familiar platform really made me get in some of my feelings yesterday.  It triggered so many memories of Logan from when he was younger.  It triggered so many feelings I had.  It took me back, I saw those surroundings, and to feel that nostalgia:  gosh, it's triggering it all again now.  I don't know how Logan went from 2 to 15 so quickly.  Those thoughts then triggered how fast Sawyer and Clara are growing up.  It's difficult to remember things from Clara's babyhood is so much detail as it all happened during Covid.  With Sawyer being on the verge of turning 10, I can see some of the little boy slipping into pre teen already and it hurts my heart.  We decided to watch Start Wars:  The Force Awakens on a whim last night, too.  Geez, open the flood gates.  We watched all of those as soon as we moved into this house over 5 years ago.  Sawyer was SO into Star Wars... just the memories of that time, and the realization of how fast time moves... so many feelings.  

...so now what.  Here we are on the day that we begin anew.  

I really just want to be a more present, better mom and wife this year.  Don't get me wrong:  I am physically present every single day.  Showing up for my kids is my number one priority and the thing that gives me the most joy.  I, like so many parents, run ragged getting them ready at 6 am, working, picking them up at 3:30 only to run in 2-3 different directions most every night and somehow try to provide dinner, homework help, and take care of the home.  But often my mind is elsewhere.  It's so easy to get caught up in the rush and be thinking of all of the things.  I really need to be in those moments.  I need to slow down.  I need figure it out.

I also need to take better care of myself.  I've been in a cycle for most of motherhood.  Gaining weight, losing weight, taking up running, getting pregnant, running and walking, going back to work, getting pregnant, kids in activities, anxiety, no time... and here I am.  I'm not unhealthy, but I am not where I feel like I need to be.  It's been difficult to prioritize my personal fitness when I'm working so hard to help my kids get to where they want to be (especially the competitive dancer and the year round competitive baseball player).  But again, to be present and to be the best I can be for them, I have got to prioritize myself and my health.  And honestly, I think the best way to do that is early early in the morning, before anyone is up, and so that I can check that off of my to-do list before the whirlwind of the day gets started.  I renewed my iFit subscription and am going to use our humble but nice set up in the basement.  I did it today.  It felt good and I know it's something that I CAN do.  I just have to stick with it.

I also need to figure out how to get healthy food into our bodies more.  I love cooking.  Remember that blog I keep bringing up?  A lot of it was documenting organic cooking, clean eating, sharing recipes and the benefits that I was seeing.  Well... that's not happening anymore.  And that makes me feel like I've failed and it's hard to admit that and it's easy to just give up.  But I really want to try to incorporate healthier choices and prepping ahead to avoid so many of the bad choices that I've been making.

So no earth shattering resolutions this year.  Probably some pretty cliche ones.  But these are things that I want to work on.  And I have to remind myself that they are not things that I will perfect.  And that is okay.  I just need to make progress.  And again, resolve in being.